Stand-Up Comedians are on notioce! (December '06)

I'm sick of this crap, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Tonight, I watched Comedy Central's Last laugh '06. Now, I realize that a basic cable network is not going to be riding the crest of the ol' cultural wave. I am well aware that comedians are only free to really do what they do online and in a select few comedy clubs.

Still, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I had higher hopes for this one.

The three comedians showcased were Lewis Black, Greg Giraldo, and Patton Oswalt. No Dane Cook, no Carlos Mencia, no "that fat chick who makes circa 1962 racial generalizations and thinks she's being racy." (you know who I'm talking about--she was on last comic standing and tries to be the female Don Rickles...in any case, it doesn't matter, because she's about as funny as a malicious and miraculously sentient rectal cancer.)

I have some respect for Black, Oswalt, and Giraldo. They've worked within the constraints of basic cable many times before and they still make me laugh. They pacify the censors and tickle my fancy with wry witticisms. In short, they usually don't suck.

My point is bigger than this one show, but I'm going to use this show as an example. Comedians, you are on notice in regard to the following:

1. Political jokes.

Okay, so you have figured out that if you deride the President or his cabinet, you'll get cheers from the crowd and it will make you feel cool. But do you have to do it at every single freaking appearance? Okay, so the joke is that Bush is stupid, Rumsfeld is a warmonger, Cheney is power-hungry, and they are all evil. Fine. Ha ha. Great. It was a cheap laugh five years ago, and it's such a pathetic retread at this point that I'll give you credit for one thing and one thing only: Every time the audience laughs at one of these jokes, you illustrate what pathetic sheep they are. If you were making fun of Bush on Sept. 12, 2001, you have balls. If you were mocking Cheney when the whole country was draped in American flags, I'll give you credit for being on the cutting edge. Whatever your pedigree, if you're using those jokes today, pack it up and crawl back home. There's not much fight left in you, soldier.

2. Immigration, Indians, and Casinos.

Tonight Greg Giraldo did the classic joke where he talks about how immigrants came in and ruined everything. The punchline? The Immigrants were the pilgrims and the victims were the Native American people! Whoo-hoo, there's a clever jibe! His follow up? Those Native Americans now run casinos! That's a laugh a minute, right there!

That joke series has been used on South Park, Family Guy, and I'm pretty sure it has been used on The Simpsons. Hell, Ned "Carlos Mencia" Holness used those jokes, and he won't touch a joke until it's been proven by three or four other comics at the very least. Do you have any idea how old a joke has to be to get play on one of those shows? These are shows that play to literally millions of Middle-Americans and workaday Joes. For a joke to be used on a show like that, the writers have to be pretty sure that most of America will get the reference, and the censors have to be convinced that it's tame enough for public consumption. I mean, that's the inside joke about "cutting edge" shows! If they were really cutting edge, they wouldn't be on TV!

I could go on about the rest, but I'm trying to keep this readably brief. I could regale you with tales about the clever insights and witty banter that illumined the heretofore darkened shadows of our collective consciousness, but I don't have the time. I'll have to write another day about such bon mots as:

Jewish kids sometimes get annoyed in late December because Christian kids get the Christmas holiday, which is more showy and upbeat than Channukah.

Asian kids are often good at math.

Fast food is unhealthy and the people that maintain such a diet have little in the way of self-respect.

People with a lot of money often lack common sense.

And many, many more.

So comedians, consider yourselves "on notice." Some of us know the difference, and we do give a damn.

Sure there are millions of stupid people out there. True, my rage will not significantly diminish your audience. Okay, so there will always be a market for the lowest common denominator. It's undeniable that you will make a great deal of money by trotting out the moldy oldies and dancing like a trained monkey for the unwashed masses.

Just remember this: No matter how much money you make playing the fool, you'll still have to get up every morning and look at that fool in the mirror. The audiences might not know any better, but you do, and that's what really matters, isn't it?

I like to think that tonight was an aberration for the comedians I mentioned. To my knowledge, they're not habitual joke thieves, and they usually at least try for a unique take on a topic. That's why tonight was such a disappointment.

To the rest of you reading this, I can only ask the following:

Go to local shows. Support real comics. Get off your couch and engage the world.

Oh, and vote Stanhope in '08. If politicians can't give the comics something new to talk about, maybe a comic can give the politicians some new ideas..