I'm not who you want me to be (September '06)

This blog might be uncharacteristically serious, and there is a pretty good chance that I won't even degenerate into a rant, so allow me to apologize in advance to my usual readers.

With that out of the way, I just felt like addressing a few thoughts that have been playing across the surface of my mind these last few hours.

Myspace and the other peer-to-peer connection sites are a pretty amazing thing. This latest incarnation of my page has brought me into contact with a wide array of characters, but it has also brought me back in touch with a whole slew of people I've known at various stages in my life.

There are a lot of positives to this, of course. I get to catch up with people I have oft wondered about and it's often really amazing to see how much or how little certain people have changed.

On the other hand, everybody has expectations. Those who knew me when I was growing up are often shocked to learn that I went to a Bible College or even stayed out of any real trouble. Those who knew me during my college years are surprised to learn that I've mellowed so much since then. Those who knew me only casually during college seem dismayed to discover that I am very comfortable thinking outside of the dogmatic and traditional boxes--perhaps even dismayed that I think at all...

I'm not a surly, sarcastic, evil social critic lying in wait for his next victim.

I'm not a quiet and devout blue-collar worker doing his best to get by.

I'm not a Bible-thumping, right-wing, Christocrat, clone.

I'm not always angry and violent.

I'm not always peaceful and forgiving.

I might do and say things that embarrass and shame you.

I know I'll do and say things that embarrass and shame me.

I'm none of these things, and yet at times I probably at least resemble all of them. So how does that tie into my leading premise?

Who I am is not who you think I am, no matter who you think I am. I will disappoint you, surprise you, anger you, frustrate you, and hurt you. I'll shatter any illusions you might have while trying desperately to hold my own delusions together. I'll leave you wondering if you really ever knew me at all.

And I'll do all of this just by being myself.

There is no hiding on the web, and I was never very good at keeping up appearances anyway. I am who I am, and I'm not who you want me to be.