Righting society's wrongs, one testicle at a time. (Aug '06)

I'm really, really, really, really, really tired of assholes.

Not literally, of course. I'm neither literally tired nor is my metaphoric fatigue directed at literal rectums.

No, my irritation is in fact the product of too much exposure to degenerate people and their equally or perhaps even more degenerate progeny. It's to the point where the idea of forced castration or even limited eugenic programs are really starting to hold an appeal for me.

I live in the South. In fact, I live right around the corner from that bastion of Southern capitalism: Wal-Mart.

Due to various unforeseen circumstances, I've had to make several trips out to the store these last few days for emergency purchases. By virtue of convenience, the vast majority of these purchases have been made at the aforementioned Wal-Mart.

For those that have never had the misfortune to peruse an urban Wal-Mart, allow me to fill you in. Imagine that your local housing project, trailer park, or low-income apartment complex was plucked from the earth by some divine hand, and the human contents unceremoniously shaken out into a large, yet still crowded, rectangular box.

If you can imagine all of that, you have at least a shade of an idea of what it's like to shop at my local Wal-Mart.

I live in a large town with a diverse population. Black, white, brown, red, Spanish speaking, English Speaking, Portuguese speaking, etc. The one common denominator for the people in my little corner of Marietta is a lower than average income.

Many of you are familiar with the statistics that demonstrate much higher birth rates in lower-income populations. Allow me to assure that these statistics have not been fabricated. Those who are even more familiar with sociological statistics will know that our uncommonly large migrant worker population (primarily Mexican and Guatemalan,) skew the numbers even more dramatically in the direction of large families.

When I first moved here, those statistics thrilled me. Imagine the idea of living in a place where so many people value family so very highly! It will be like living in Mayberry (with dubbing, of course--as broadcast on Telemundo.)

Unfortunately, whatever the racial demographic, it seems that these large families have one common value besides a love of making babies.

They absolutely refuse to discipline their children.

Imagine trying to shop while surrounded by a morass of marauding midgets, an ocean of outspoken offspring, a roundup of recalcitrant rugrats.

As I dodged through this rude and untrammeled herd, I have to admit that I flirted at times with racist generalities and condemnations. Fortunately (or perhaps UNfortunately,) for every two darker-hued hellions, there was at least one pale, undisciplined future member of the NASCAR nation screeching and striking his or her way through the chaos.

I was convinced that my local Wal-Mart was in fact that long undiscovered tenth circle of hell--until yesterday.

Yesterday I ran in to the store and happened upon a lull in the riotous mayhem. I was instead shopping amongst quiet young couples, military spouses, and childless newlyweds, with a sprinkling of pleasant senior citizens thrown in for good measure.

These people seemingly represented every race, language, and ethnicity that you can imagine. And they were all quiet, friendly, and considerate.

That's when it hit me.

I'm not annoyed with any specific race. I'm not driven to rage by religion or callous hatred by creed... No, what really gets on my nerves is the unchecked stupidity of the enormous asshole population on this little rock we call Earth.

If you have kids, either raise them properly or leave them at home. If you're an adult child of assholes, you may in fact be an asshole yourself and in need of serious and urgent reprogramming. Either way, there are only two options.

Either the assholes keep themselves in check, or the rest of us are going to have to take matters into our own hands--either castrating all of the idiots or killing all of the lawyers that helped these idiots divest themselves of any personal responsibility or public accountability.

In fact, maybe we could even go a step farther and castrate the lawyers.

Either way, you can't deny that we'd make the world a better place.